Nonviolent Communication
Or why you’ve never done anything wrong in your life
Ed. Note: I’m not done editing this automatic transcript, so you may find odd grammar here and there.
What is NVC?
NVC is a way to increase connection with ourselves and others. It’s a better way of communicating, but also a mindset that is sometimes referred to as conversational Buddhism. In Israel, it goes by the beautiful name of Tikshoret Mekarevet, which means ‘Communication that brings closer’. I’m a big fan of this concept, as it really expresses what NVC is all about. In short, if you find yourself having conflict, NVC is usually a great way to try and resolve it.
Disclaimers
1. I’m not an expert
I’m not particularly excellent at NVC. However, I am very nerdy about it. So I’m happy to share what I learned about NVC on my path to get better at it. My take on NVC might differ from others — and professionals in particular, so take my advice here with a grain of salt.
2. There are no Shoulds
This isn’t a religion, there’s no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do NVC (although I often fall into that trap). NVC is whatever brings you closer. For example, I have an acquaintance who recently discovered I moved to Israel without telling him. When he found out, he sent me a text saying “You piece of shit”. And then he wrote “It’s Roy. Would be great to see you!”
I mean, I might have chosen other words, but the love was undeniable.
3. You don’t have to connect with everyone
This is very important, and part of the idea that there are no “shoulds”. NVC is a great tool if you’re trying to connect with someone and get closer. But if you’re actually trying to disconnect from people, super easy, just do the opposite of everything I’m about to tell you, and it should work miracles. You do not owe anybody connection. It’s totally fine to separate from people when you need or simply want to. (Below is a good essay on the risks of NVC in unequal power dynamics.)
How I discovered NVC
Note: if you’re just here for the theory, skip ahead to the next chapter
Let me take you back to 10 years ago, when I moved to Madrid for my first job. Very early on, I met this woman called Danielle and it was the classic Boy Meets Girl story. I was from Europe, she was from California. I was Jewish, she was Christian. This was an important incompatibility between us, but since she was just in Madrid for a year, we decided to enjoy ourselves while it lasts. When her time in Madrid came to an end, we drove to the airport and said goodbye in tears. And then, of course, we ended up not breaking up at all.
A year and a half later, I moved to San Francisco for us to be together.
I remember this particular time when we went to her very Christian American family. We were taking photos by the Christmas tree, I was wearing a Christmas sweater. The next day, when I saw the photos, I was like “What am I doing? I don’t belong here. This isn’t really the life I want. And I’m not sure this is the relationship I want to have.” And so we started having a lot of fights.
The 4 Ds of Disconnection
In my mind, we were fighting to find out who’s right and who’s wrong. But in reality, what was coming out of me were the Four Ds of Disconnection, as NVC calls them. Again, if you’re trying to disconnect from someone, I can’t recommend these enough:
- Demands
Demands are basically requests where the only acceptable answer is Yes (or else!) Underneath a demand is the belief that your needs are more important than theirs, and that your preferences are the only ones that matter. - Denial
This can be denying the other person’s experience, or denying your own agency in the matter. The Nazis would often say they had no choice, that they were only following orders. The truth is you can take responsibility for your own actions, regardless of how other people feel about it. We all have a choice. - Diagnosis
This is the big one, and it often goes hand-in-hand with judgement. You may have noticed about yourself that we judge a lot, and extremely fast. It’s like we have it on speed dial. But when we diagnose or judge people, they usually don’t like it very much. - Deserve
This notion that if you did something wrong, like if you hurt me, then you deserve punishment, you deserve what’s gonna come to you. And so I’m going to retaliate. Because I’m right, and you’re wrong, so you deserve it.
What I didn’t realise at the time is that we were simply fighting because we weren’t a good fit. Whereas I thought we were fighting to figure out the truth. That’s not a good recipe. It often left me feeling very upset, and her very sad. We really weren’t making any progress.
Chocolate Mousse and Sir Ocelot
And then something kind of amazing happened. I went to a summer camp for adults. It’s a very San Francisco thing called Camp Grounded, and that’s where I met Sir Ocelot. (They don’t use real names at Camp Grounded, so mine was Chocolate Mousse). Sir Ocelot turned out to be a teacher of NVC and a professional mediator. And he basically told me, he was organising a workshop, you know, he teaches it and asked me if I would be interested. And knowing how I was fighting with Danielle, and being scared of my own, like how I was fighting and the tears that would come afterwards for her, you know, because I was left angry. I figured maybe there’s something I could learn. I was always aware I was a pretty aggressive debater. But I like I said, I thought it was about the truth, and the people who cry or just the people who can’t handle the truth. I don’t stand by that anymore, of course. So I went to this workshop. And I basically learned about NVC in a way that changed my life. No, it’s a big statement to make. I’m not. I’m not here to Jehovah Witness you into it, but it has had a big impact for me. So I’m going to share what I learned and hopefully can help you with your conflicts as well.
Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests
Okay, there’s a very basic technique in NVC, which is to when you’re feeling very upset, instead of resorting to demands denial, diagnosis and dessert, which come typically quite naturally to us. The, the offer here is to do something else. And it’s to break it down into observations, feelings, needs, requests. I’m going to go through each one with you, and I think it will become clearer.
Observations
Okay, so let’s start with observations. The one is pretty simple, like observations, a good way to think about it is stuff that can be captured on camera, if you’re gonna share an observation with someone, you know, making it specific, clear and measurable, is a great way to go about it.
For example, hey, when you arrive seven minutes late to the meeting, right? This is something that if we had a dash cam in the room with a timestamp on it, we could go look at the tape and agree that indeed, you arrived seven minutes late and probably bothered me a little bit.
But sometimes, when I’m very upset, it doesn’t quite come out like that. And what’s happening in my head is that I really start feeling like you don’t care, you don’t care about me don’t care about the meeting, like how dare you this is really what it comes down to, like, how dare you, right? And then you can sort of turn into this person who kind of loses track of what’s observation, and what’s basically a conspiracy theory.
Thoughts
What’s really happening is what you’re having is thoughts, right? They’re not something that we can capture on camera, but they are things that are occurring to you in your mind. And it’s totally fine. You know, we can make space for that. But it’s useful to own it as such. And so what I started thinking about it in my hand is like, Okay, this is really something I’m telling myself, and I’ll tell someone’s like, hey, when you arrived seven minutes late, I started worrying, you don’t care, I tell myself, this isn’t important to you. And so I can share it in a way that I can actually own.
Feelings
I’m assuming so far, so good. So I’ll continue with feelings. I’m a big fan of these feelings will. Remember, when I asked you to think of a conflict, you have to take a few seconds and see if you can figure out how this conflict makes you feel.
It’s pretty nuanced. And I really enjoy doing it for myself when I’m upset and think like, okay, like what’s going on? Like, am I? Am I frustrated? Or am I scared? You know, am I feeling vulnerable, or stressed, like all of these are very different feelings, and clarifying them for yourself goes a long way to resolving this conflict, at the very least by understanding yourself better.
The big five
In doubt, because I don’t carry these feelings will in my pocket, I usually just think of the Big Five, if you’ve seen the movie Inside Out, there’s anger, fear, joy, disgust, and sadness. We can debate the science on whether they really are like the big five or not, that’s a whole topic, but they’re very useful as a starting point. My therapist likes to say that beneath anger, there is usually sadness.
“Beneath anger, there is usually sadness”
No one makes you feel anything
And something I want to start talking about, which is controversial here is that these feelings you’re having, they’re really yours in some ways, and people can’t really make you feel anything. So here’s a great example of that. While this I think it’s funny, you know, people definitely try to make us feel things sometimes when they’re very upset, they kind of want you to also feel upset. But ultimately, they can’t really go inside your head and really, like shift those those gears for you.
Trigger vs Cause
So it’s useful to distinguish between the trigger and the cause. people do things and that can trigger feelings in us. But it’s not really the cause of our feelings. It’s rather that we start feeling feelings depending on if our needs are met or not. And so if I had particular needs in that moment, or had expectations, and it doesn’t quite go that way, you know, usually our feelings, maybe they’re positive, maybe they’re negative, but someone else doing stuff in the world, it can be good or bad. And really, they don’t have that much control over it.
An anecdote I’d like to share is, I’m very slow at ordering food. And last week, I was at the beach, it was really hot, crowded, I was waiting in line to order some food. And as we were getting closer and closer, I still hadn’t made up my mind for what I wanted. And just being Israel, someone started trying to cut me line. And normally like if you do this to me, I will kill you. Like I fairness is very important to me. You know, a big socialists are all gonna wait in line. But in that moment, I could have really used more time to figure out what I wanted to order, and she did me a huge favour. So this may be a useful example for how or feelings are in your own.
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
The corollary of that is that you can’t really make people feel anything either, right? It kind of goes both ways. And the corollary of that which some people really struggle with is that you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings. Again, as far as I’m going concerned and kind of as far as NVC is concerned, but it’s not an invitation to be an asshole. You can if you want to disconnect, please great way to do that. But if you are in the business of connection, then kindness and empathy go a very long way. So, you know, consider it.
Alright, needs super easy. NVC kind of compiled a list of needs the same way there’s a feelings wheel out there, take a few seconds to browse it, and see if you can figure out what your conflict like, like, what’s going on? Like, what do you really need? Right? Like, why is this upsetting? Clearly, there’s something that’s not being met for you. Is it safety is and belonging is it? Space is its peace of mind, on and on, trying to figure out exactly what I need usually goes a long way to start understanding what I can do about it.
Sometimes, I think my needs are super clear, like, yeah, I have a need, I have a need for you to grow the fuck up. But you’ll notice that there aren’t really the word you in all of these needs. They’re pretty abstract. When we start saying, like, I need you to do something. In some ways, we’re kind of making it about them, like, I need you to do something, because the problem is with you. It’s not with me, I’m upset, but I’m upset because of you. So you get to start solving this. And you can see I’m already like naturally pointing at the other person.
Tragic expressions of need
This kind of pointed communication is also a great way to disconnect. We often call this a tragic expression of need, because buried underneath this, there is probably a need that is really important to you. But the way we express it to other people can often push them away. And that’s what makes it tragic, because instead of them then wanting to meet our needs, they usually disconnect and we get the opposite result. It’s honestly tragic.
So when I have a need that comes out as like a whole sentence, I just go through a few loops of Okay, so what would that give me that I really value? Like, you know what I want? I want you to like get sushi. Come back, apologise, get me flowers, wash their kids. And then tomorrow morning, I don’t know we’ll talk about it and see how I feel right? And then you can sell again. So like, cool. Would that give me that I really value it’s like, Well, okay, if you do this, then maybe I’ll feel like you really care. Uh huh. Okay, so does that give me Okay? Wow, I think this is really about safety. I think I’m feeling nervous and insecure in this relationship. And since it’s about safety and security, there’s probably a million other ways we can solve this, we could probably order from Walt you don’t have to go pick up the sushi yourself. Like there’s other things we could do. So at clarity also goes a long way.
Our needs are equally important
There is secretly like this very key principle about needs in NVC, which is that our needs are as important as each other’s. You don’t have to, of course, you can decide your needs are more important. But if you’re trying to connect, and secretly you’re trying to meet your needs much more than the other person’s, it’s typically not going to go very well for the connection. My best friend, he’s kind of a natural, born Zen Buddhist, I guess. So I really like to think about what he said one day, you know, we’re all just trying to be happy anybody doing anything in this planet, usually there’s a need they’re trying to meet. And good for them. I do believe their needs are as important as mine.
Our needs are never in conflict, only strategies are
Which is to say that our needs are never in conflict. Like when you need to rest and stuff like I also need rest sometimes when you want adventure, but I want to sleep in while at the end of the day, you’re probably going to be tired and also need rest, right? Or needs are never in conflict. But the strategies by which we try to make those needs can definitely be in conflict. If I want to sleep in you want to wake up at 6am to go jogging. Looking at you, Bruno you know, we’re probably not going to figure that one out until we think of additional ways to solve it.
Requests
So that brings us to the last piece which is requests, requests or honestly grades. At this point you observe something you know how you feel you know what you need, and you’re applying your creativity thing like how can you know I start meeting those needs. As far as I’m concerned, all requests are valid and this is really important to me. Sometimes we know what we want but we were afraid to ask for it. If you ever talk to me, by all means, ask for what you want. I want to meet your needs as much as I want to meet mine.
Demands
But it’s also important that the answer no is acceptable. Otherwise, it’s it’s basically a demand if there’s only one right answer like can you go get sushi? No, notice the wrong answer. You’re gonna go get sushi now. That’s basically a demand. Nothing wrong with demands. They’re just a very fast way to disconnect from each other.
And sometimes I will tell people, I’ll make a request and immediately say like, but you know Okay, if that doesn’t work for you, again, because other people have also needs. And so usually I’ll say something like this, I’ll be like, I made my request. And then I’ll be like, how does that sound like, how does that work for you? I really like asking, like, how does that resonate? I just shared my observation and my feeling and my needs with you. And I’m making this pretty vulnerable request. Okay, that’s me, like, how about you, you know, we’re both here.
Infinite strategies
The good news, and I don’t know if this is because I’m a designer. But I deeply believe there are infinite strategies out there. Like, there’s a million things we could do. I mean, open walls, there’s like a million restaurants like I’m sure we can find something we both want to eat. So I like to believe that there is a place out there with a particular strategy, where we can both meet our needs and be happy. It’s just a matter of having enough connection to talk to each other, and then sort of brainstorming with enough creativity to figure it out, I really believe in that process.
Summary
You can do this alone
So NVC will often just like package all of what I just said together into this kind of like Mad Libs structure. Which you’re welcome to just screenshot the news. But I also want to say that this is something you can do in your head, you don’t have to speak like that, you know, it’s kind of awkward, like, when this I feel that because I need this. And here’s my request, like, it often doesn’t feel very natural, which is totally normal. But even just going to the like, what’s my observation Phoenix link request in your head, then by the time you come to talk someone, you’re in a much better place.
IQ
And a short version to make it kind of informal, so that you can practice it without people thinking you just joined the Jehovah Witnesses is this notion of IQ? It’s basically starting with an eye and then finishing with a question, right? Like, like, I need more time can can we reschedule? You can practice that, and it will go a long way.
Why it didn’t work
So I remember, you know, I went to the workshop, and then I went to some every Monday, he had like a drop in class. And I was like, okay, cool. God is like observation, feelings, need requests. You know, thank you so much. This is perfect. I’m totally gonna connect with everyone now, including my girlfriend with whom I’m fighting on a daily basis. Yeah, it didn’t really work. So well, I have to say. And I was really confused, because I thought I was doing everything, right.
But it turned out that there’s a huge sort of secret ingredient, which is empathy. And I want to spend a bit of time talking about that, because without it, it’s not really going to work in my experience. So you know, I was doing the thing, right? I went to Danielle when Anna Anna Anna request. And when the other person responds in like a non NVC way, because by the way, not everybody knows NVC, like, I would lose my shirt. And I was like, I did the thing. So now you do the thing, too. And then we’re gonna resolve this.
But other people might feel very hurt in that moment. So it doesn’t quite work like that. And similarly, when they were talking to me, I’d be like, okay, yeah, cool, like, so like, just what do you want make a request, like, you know, let’s do some NVC here. But you can tell like, as you’re talking like that, you’re, you’re really not connected with yourself, you’re not connected with the other person, you’re just sort of going through the formula.
Empathy
What it is
So here it is, right. If there’s no empathy, there’s no connection, and there’s no connection, it’s going to be hard to resolve your conflicts. So I just want to give a quick definition of empathy. The word goes around a lot. Some people want to split hairs between compassion and empathy. And so the cool a very simple definition for it is that empathy is to be present with, with the other person with what’s going on for them.
What it’s not
A metaphor I really like is imagining yourself being like a boy right in the water that’s just like floating, and like, the waves go up and down, but the boy just like goes along with it. It’s not trying to change the waves. It’s not trying to tell people like, ah, that doesn’t matter. You think that’s bad, you should hear my story. Let me give you 15 solutions. Those are things are actually not empathy. And if you ever need empathy, and someone gives you solutions, sometimes I will tell them like hey, actually, I need I need empathy is okay, like, I’m not really ready to discuss solutions. There’s this classic phrase, which is like, don’t just stand there, like do something, but empathy flips it on its head. And it proposes that instead of doing something, like just stand there, you know, just be present. I can’t say this loud enough.
Empathy is a huge gift that we can give to each other. It’s amazing. If you’ve ever gotten like really deep empathy from someone like you, you probably know how it feels. It’s like such a relief. In my experience, like 80% of conflict resolution. is just actually receiving empathy for us. And when the other person gets into suddenly the problem is a lot easier to resolve.
Empathy is not agreement
One of the key things that sometimes keeps us from feeling comfortable giving empathy is the fear that empathy is agreement. Like, if I empathise with you, you’re gonna think you’re right. Like, you’re like, hey, Tal, I feel like you’re the worst person on earth. I hate your guts. And I’m like, Yeah, it sounds like I’m really the worst person on earth. That makes sense. I agree. Like, you’re so right. You know, that’s, that’s not the case.
So I just kind of want to be clear about that. Empathy is about being present with what’s going on for other people. It’s not about telling them they’re right about everything.
How to empathise
Here’s a simple way to do empathy, because you know, like, be present is kind of like a tricky instruction. When I want to give someone empathy, which is usually where I’ll start, if there’s conflict, if I if I can, I’ll do these three things.
- Mirror
- Validate
- Feel
Mirror
Mirroring is really just like, saying back to the person, what I’m hearing them say, it’s not about being a parrot, I’m really trying to understand like, what this is about, and we’re sort of playing detective together trying to understand like, like, what’s happening for them, they’re really upset. What is this about?
Validate
Validation is really great for people to hear. It’s kind of like saying, like, you know, this makes sense. Like, you’re not crazy. If I was you, I probably feel the same way. I can see how you’re feeling overwhelmed, right? Again, it doesn’t have to be agreement, I wouldn’t be overwhelmed, but I can imagine what it would be like, and if I was you, I would probably also feel overwhelmed.
Feel
And the last piece is like, like, actually, so now be present with that, like? Do you remember what it’s like to feel overwhelmed? Can you also feel overwhelmed with them in this moment? Can you empathise with that putting yourself in that place is going to increase the empathy you feel for them tenfold?
Connected Communication Process
Again, there’s some very informal ways of doing that. I’ll usually tell people like, hey, like, can I just make sure I’m understanding what you’re saying? Because it’s actually really important to me, and I want to make sure I get it. And I will sort of stop them whenever like, my cash is running out. Like I’m like, oh, shoot, I forgot the first things they said, then I’ll ask if I can pause them, I will tell them what I understand. And then I’ll ask them to continue until they’ve told me everything they had to say.
And they feel like I understood and listened and heard everything they had to say, that creates this, like huge relief, where they’re like, okay, okay, we can start from here, I now believe that we could actually resolve this conflict. So that goes a long way. And then often, I’ll be like, cool, can I share what comes up for me? Because, you know, I am now feeling things as well. And I would love to share that back.
This shit is hard
Yeah, okay, this shit is really hard. So I just want to address this very quickly. It’s really hard to give empathy when we’re running low. Like when you’re in a conflict with someone, usually, both of you need empathy, both of you want to be hurt. And at that moment, it’s kind of really hard to give it to each other. And that’s usually when the, you know, the, the yelling, and the fighting starts.
Time-out
So here’s a great tip. If you see it’s just not going well just take a timeout, like, it’s, it’s a great idea. And every time again, I wish I had taken a timeout earlier, because the second a timeout, and then I go for a walk, suddenly, everything feels a lot clearer. And I can sort of go through like my observations, feelings, needs requests, and I come back from a much better position. This is very useful. If you’re like, Hey, I just, you know, like short circuit, like, I have to like timeout. It’s good to say, hey, I need to go right now. I’m overwhelmed. But I’ll call you at eight. Okay, we’ll take it from there.
Don’t leave them hanging
It’s kind of great to not leave the other person hanging. Because otherwise in the meanwhile, they get also upset about that. Like, they’re like, we’re going to go to the movie theatre tonight. Is that still happening? What do I tell our friends, like you just left? So just making a quick agreement of when you’re going to check in again, goes a long way. It’s okay to come back at eight o’clock and say, Hey, I’m still not ready. Can we talk again tomorrow morning at 10. I just need more time. Like you can just rinse and repeat until your tank is full enough that you can really hear the other person without feeling really bad about yourself. So by all means, go fill up your tank, talk to a therapist, talk to a friend. There’s also ways you can do it with yourself including observations, feelings, needs, requests.
Mourn, Celebrate, Learn
Sometimes there’s really no one left to talk to and you’re just on your own.
Mourn
Just write out like everything that makes you feel really sad. Like all the ways it didn’t go the way you wanted all the wishes you had. And just write it all out, it will feel great.
Celebrate
And when you’re ready, see if there’s anything to celebrate, like, maybe you stood up for yourself for the first time. And that’s, that’s actually something, maybe you took a timeout, and you’re kind of proud of that. Because usually you would stay there until someone cries. It will feel great. And when you’re ready, see if there’s anything to celebrate, like maybe you stood up for yourself for the first time. And that’s that’s actually something. Maybe you took a timeout. And you’re kind of proud of that. Because usually you would stay there until someone cries. Sometimes you start celebrating and you’re like, Yeah, but actually, and then you go right back to mourning. That’s okay. Go back to mourning, you have more to say about that. Come back to celebrate.
Learn
And at the end, when you’re ready, maybe there is something you could learn from this, which is a great takeaway, because oftentimes, something goes bad. And we’re like, fuck it. I’m never talking to this person. Again, never trying this again, never going to be vulnerable. Again, it’s kind of really shrinking life. The power of doing this morning, celebrate, learn, sort of ritual, is it supposed to sort of keep life big like, okay, you know what, I can try it again, because I’ve learned some things and it’s okay. There were also some good sides, which puts you in a better position to come back and try to connect again.
You have never done anything wrong in your life
This is the big moment. I’m very excited to tell you that as far as I’m concerned, you have never done anything wrong in your life. I’m not sure if you believe me yet. So I’m going to try to convince you of that. Here’s the thing. You know, I gave you the observation feelings need request. And I was like, underneath that there is empathy. And without it, it’s going to be hard. Underneath that is this notion of right and wrong, that we tend to really hang on to. NVC at the level where it’s also sometimes called, like conversational Buddhism, proposes that, if you’re in the business of connection, again, if you’re in the business of connection, if you’re trying to connect with yourself or other people, thinking in terms of right and wrong, is not going to help you or at least empirically doesn’t tend to help. For me where NVC gets really, to the level of like, a philosophy is this notion that I don’t actually need right and wrong in my life as a way to understand myself connect, resolve conflict, etc.
What about killing puppies?
Very quickly, someone is like, yeah, okay, so like, what about killing puppies? Yeah, is that not right or wrong? Like, we’re just okay with killing puppies. The answer is like, No, I am not okay with it. I would feel really upset. It would not meet my needs for, really just, the sustaining of life. I really don’t like it. I really, really don’t like it. But I’m not going to judge you for it. Judging is not serving me, it’s not helping me connect with myself, or with you. I kind of just, I just don’t really see the value anymore. So I just like to say like, okay, it doesn’t meet my needs this thing that’s happening, the thing the person is doing the thing you just said to me? Yeah, I feel like shit right now. Because it doesn’t meet my needs. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It doesn’t mean, you know that you deserve punishment. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault. Right? You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just that the way you went about it just doesn’t meet my needs.
Right action
However, if you’re in the process of killing puppies, I’ll probably punch you. There is still such a thing as taking action. In the moment where I’m punching someone for trying to kill puppies. I’m probably not in the business of connection. But maybe later, we can talk about why they thought that’s a great way to meet their needs. I’m guessing they’re really in pain. I don’t know why else someone would want to do that.
Outro
As for me and Danielle, we were actually able to break up in the most connected way possible with the help of couples therapy –which I sometimes think of as mediated NVC. By the end of it, we looked at each other and said “There’s no one else I would have rather divorced. I’m really glad it’s you.” We are still very close to this day. And it’s really thanks to, in some ways, letting go of Right and Wrong and saying “Okay, this just doesn’t fit us anymore. It’s not meeting our needs. No one’s to blame. Let’s empathise with each other and then figure out some strategies that can work for us”, which in our case was actually divorce. But to this day, we’re actually extremely close and I’m really grateful to NVC for that. It could have gone very differently.
Q&A
Note: I edited the original questions for brevity
How do I get started?
If I had to start somewhere simple, I think it would be I+Q. If you just speak about what’s going on for you, and then ask a question –which is a way of reaching out– it’s already gonna go a lot better. So you can start there.
And then the other thing is to really be mindful of what’s going on for you. Usually my fights happen when I’m really low on empathy, and I feel very frustrated, but somehow I think I’m totally in the right headspace to resolve this conflict. If you can just notice when you’re running low and call a time-out, that’s a great thing. In my experience, people would rather you time-out than keep talking while triggered and unable to listen anymore.
I also like to notice how much –and how fast– I judge anything and anyone. Just noticing every time I go “oh, that’s dumb” or “This person’s so…” and ask myself if it’s really helping anyone? Could I figure out what’s going on for me instead? 90% of NVC is really just being connected with yourself. And then from there, you’ll probably show up in a much better place to connect with others.
“For the love of God, just go to bed angry"
There’s this common advice out there which is “Don’t go to bed angry". I have stayed up until 4 AM fighting with someone thinking this is somehow better than going to sleep angry. For the love of God, just go to bed angry. I promise you’re going to have such a better conversation tomorrow morning. I can’t recommend time-outs enough.
How would you use NVC at work?
There’s a concept of Minimum Viable Connection. Which solved a lot of things for me because at my peak NVC I would go: “Oh good, there’s conflict. Let’s talk about our childhoods!” and sometimes you just need to have enough connection to make a tactical decision and move on. You don’t have to go the full NVC length at every opportunity.
“There’s a concept of Minimum Viable Connection"
Doesn’t it feel selfish to always be talking about your needs?
Selfish is a judgement, but there’s a framework I like called THINK. And it’s basically saying: before you say something, before you go full on NVC on someone, you might want to ask yourself:
- Is it Thoughtful?
- Is it Honest?
- Is it Inspiring?
- Is it Necessary?
- Is it Kind?
There are definitely ways to weaponise NVC, and there are various well-intentioned traps I have certainly fallen into. Bottom-line, NVC is a tool for connection, and if you practice it without empathy or care, it’s not going to work. And sometimes, we also don’t have to say anything at all. Sometimes it’s okay to sit with the discomfort or talk to a friend instead. That being said, No, I don’t think trying to meet your needs is a selfish thing to do. I think you deserve to be happy, and so does everybody else.
“You don’t have to NVC. Sometimes it’s ok to not say anything at all”
What about larger things that aren’t just your need vs my needs? What about things like social responsibility or duty?
Yes, there are things outside of NVC like global warming. I don’t think NVC is going to solve that one. But in cases where the goal is conversation and connection (including with myself), it can definitely help. So my question to you would be “What would social responsibility towards others give you that you really value?”. Behind this goal, there are probably needs you’re trying to meet. And from there, we can figure out strategies to meet them.
Shouldn’t there be room for labelling and judgement if it keeps us safe?
Yes, this is one of my favourite topics of conversation. Indeed, security is usually what it comes down to. There’s often the sense that if I could judge people accurately, I could be safe and prevent myself from harm. The NVC answer to that is, you could probably protect yourself without going through judgement. Because you can simply say, “The way they’re acting, when they talk in a certain way, I feel very unsafe. And so I’m gonna disconnect, or I might, you know, take some precautions.” But there’s a difference between evaluating if my needs are being met, and judging the other person.
This sounds like I should just never judge people and accept things like a Buddhist
It’s kind of a paradox or like a fine line. I think of it as the puppy scenario I talked about earlier. Like, please intervene. Or do whatever makes you happy. It’s okay to act. And it’s okay to act in a way where you sacrifice some connection. This is why I started this talk by saying: You don’t have to connect with everyone. Like, if I see a Nazi, I’ll probably punch them. It’s okay. I’m not trying to connect with this Nazi in that moment. Maybe someday, I don’t know, maybe after they go to therapy or something. But it’s absolutely okay to take action. That’s what I mean by There Are No Shoulds.
It’s like, if you’re trying to connect, here are some things that help. But if you’re trying to do other stuff — and there are a lot of other stuff to do—by all means, act.
People often get a sense NVC is just about accepting reality, reframing it in your head and just become the Buddha. But even in Buddhism, action is an integral part of the Eightfold Path.
The invitation here is rather to let go of judgement and of Right and Wrong, even as we take action towards our collective needs.
Resources
Some additional resources in case you’re interested
Video recording
Here’s the original video of my talk
Nonviolent Communication book
By Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC
Communication Dojo
Super useful hand-outs by Newt Bailey who also runs weekly drop-in classes on Zoom as well as numerous workshops and private mediation.
